3 days & 3 nights in the dark

On the morning of my 43rd birthday on Monday 8th April 2024, I walked into a light proof, purpose built dark retreat room, blew out the small candle that would be my last glimpse of light for the three days and nights to follow.

So before I reveal more about my experience of the dark retreat, the question most people ask is what is the point of entering the dark for such a length of time? So here is an explanation from the dark retreat centre in France where I stayed.

“ Meditation in the dark gives us the opportunity to withdraw from the senses and look inward. In daily life we keep ourselves very busy, and are distracted by many external stimuli from work, screens, socializing, or even the beauties of nature. Dark Room Retreats enhance the meditation practice by shifting that impulse inward and seeing what is alive in us, diving into the depths of our being. It is an exploration of ourselves that can lead to many discoveries.

Kaya Kalpa (Dark Retreat) is an advanced spiritual practice that comes from the ancestral Ayurvedic and Tantric traditions of India and Tibet. It is an awakening practice in which the guru or teacher is darkness itself. The meditator enters a room that admits absolutely no light and spends a certain number of days in the dark in order to arouse deep states of consciousness”.

So having had a dedicated meditation practice and spiritual relationship with life for 25 years, spending time in the darkness felt like a natural progression, my next step of inner exploration.

I had an inexplicably strong desire to have this experience and even though I had moments of apprehension in the lead up to it, I knew that I needed to do it.

Within weeks of booking the dark retreat my life began to change and I was having to witness challenging emotions and thought patterns emerging from the depths of my being. Some people refer to this as facing our shadow self. The parts of ourselves that we choose to not stare into because they can be painful and uncomfortable. I knew the medicine of the darkness was already upon me.

I really didn’t know what to expect when I finally arrived. The six months leading up to the retreat had already been quite tough. Would the darkness itself be worse? Would I have to face even more?

Fortunately, no. I didn’t. Which was a relief. Often our commitment to something significant is enough to bring about immediate effects and change. I actually feel the hardest parts of this experience were before I even entered the darkness.

Including the journey to the dark retreat centre itself, which was fraught with obstacles and there were moments that I really didn’t think that I was going to physically get there. It was like a series of tests for my patience and faith but I did finally arrive (and on time which still feels like a miracle).

When I finally entered the darkness the following morning, there was actually a great sense of relief. After months of preparing and a tumultuous journey, I surrendered to the darkness and I felt welcomed by it, like it was waiting to embrace me.

There were a few moments of resistance from my mind but reassurance came from my heart that this was where I needed to be.

I can honestly say that my time in the darkness was the most deeply restful experience that I have ever had. Of course it took some time to navigate the space, where everything was and not always knowing what time it was (breakfast and lunch being delivered were good clues!).

Eating and showering in the dark was quite amusing. You find yourself moving really slowly to avoid accidents and then you realise how calming that is and how much we often rush some tasks unnecessarily.

I would meditate several times a day, practice Hatha yoga, pranayama, Japa and self-guided Yoga Nidra.

Resting in between and just allowing the mind to drift and sometimes falling asleep too.

I felt so deeply rested through every level of my entire being. As if I was truly able to catch up with myself on a soul level in a way that I had never imagined possible and I don’t think there is language that can describe that feeling adequately.

The third day and night became a little more challenging as by then I had so much energy from resting that I wasn’t sleepy so that added extra hours to the day and meant boredom did kick in at times.

But mostly, I felt this sweet feeling of contentment despite having no external stimulation or company and only two meals a day and while it is not a way to live your entire life, it reaffirmed for me how little we actually need to be happy. How we consume and do way too much and waste a lot of time, energy and resources.

In the moments of reflection and contemplation, I had realisations and insights about being human that I am still sitting with and processing. In fact, the last three days back in the world have been as powerful as the three days in the darkness as I begin to integrate the experience which really was a sacred pause.

Like pressing the pause button on life so that I could really catch up with myself and to feel into where I am at with this “being human” endeavour.

I feel reset and renewed.

I was also really pleased that I made it through the three days and nights without giving up and with that has come a sense of empowerment from within.

Not a power bestowed upon me by another person but an inner strength and resilience that I know I can draw upon in times of challenge.

What I believe made it possible to see this through was without a doubt, my faith and my dedication to my practice over the years. I am so grateful that this has all been possible. Every moment was valuable, even all the hard ones leading up to the event AND even the journey back home had some near misses.

Would I do it again? Maybe. I am not going to rule it out.

Our host has been on dark retreat for twenty one days before. I can’t see myself going in for that long. It seems unimaginable to me but maybe one day in the future, I might return for another 3-4 days.

“Darkness is not the absence of light, but the opportunity to discover our inner light” - Unknown

We have been so conditioned to fear the darkness and equate it with negativity and evil. Yet in the dark spaces of the womb and the deep and fruitful earth, life is created and nurtured, supported to grow.

To me, the darkness felt full of potential and possibility, of peace and of power.

How do you feel about spending time alone in the dark?

Has reading this possibly given you a different perspective than you had before?

This Winter, I am holding online sessions called Embracing the Quiet Dark. To find out more, click here.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

With love

Bodhini